Monday

Hi, today was a nice day. Though i didnt get a lot done unfortunately. I did however get to hang out with some good friends who i havent seen in a while. I love my friends and i missed them so much so it was really refreshing to see them, they make me so happy!!

Im a bit stressed though i must admit, Im falling behind in my classes and im hoping to bring my grades up by the end of the semester so i dont have to retake any classes. I also have a meeting with my advisor on wednesday to see what classes i should take in the fall, and i am thinking of t aking classes in the summer just to get things over with faster. Im just tired of being a student lol. But money is tough so im not sure, and I dont know if i wanna take a loan out for literally the last semester, like that sucks so bad.......much to think about!

I put all my homework in notion so i can hopefully keep up with it, ive only got like 5 more weeks left of school so i just gotta push through. Im also thinking of maybe visiting thailand in the summer so im like, so unsure what to do. I think maybe ill take online classes so i can do homework in thailand if i have to maybe? we will see. I just really want to go out more, do more. I feel stuck and stressed. I was talking to my friend today and i was telling her that when i spend an extended time away from home i feel like all my problems are cured and being back home just makes me depressed haha. but i dont know what to do about that. I really wanna move out but its just so much money, but im hoping once i graduate and go to graduate school then i can move out and finally feel free, like an adult. im actually really excited for that prospect honestly.

anyways, despite the small hiccups here and there, life is okay. its not the best but its okay. I really miss all my friends, both online and irl. I hope i get chances to catch up with them and stuff. on the bus this morning i was reading the black vampyre, and its a really fun read. Im trying to immerse myself in more vampire literature but specifically historical or folkloric, really trying to lean into the vampirism. sometimes i wish i had different parents, or maybe, the same parents i have now, just more supportive. I wish i could talk to them about my interests, but i cant because they dont like them. it makes me sad but what can you do, not much it seems. i also wish i could be myself around them, and i mean, i mostly am but there are big parts of my identity i hide from them like my gender or sexuality. and it makes me very sad, i put a big smile on about it and move on because what can i do, but it really does bum me out a lot sometimes. IVe been reading camp demascus, and although i do not relate to the sctual expierences of the main character, the way her family treats her about her gayness, makes me think about my family and how i think they would treat me the same way if i was not a coward and i was openly out or something. I know that they mostly would just, be sad for me. and i think they would cry everyday. and they would mourn me, even though im not dead. They would mourn the me they thought they knew, the me they thought they loved. I think they would hate me, i think they would isolate me. This doesnt come from no where either, in the past they have isolated me, when i was at the peak of my depression they isolated me because they thought i was being influenced by people or something, i just know it would be a repeat of that but worse. maybe im happy im an adult because legally theres less they can do to me now. but they will never know anyways, but it still makes me sad.

maybe thats why being at home feels bad? maybe thats why it makes me sad? because i feel like i have to hide a part of myself, also maybe its just the trauma of being here. i dont know, my parents are weird. i dont like the way they talk to each other, i dont like the way they talk to my brother. i dont know, this house just feels sad, like i can feel the depression. like i can smell it, like a dog who can smell fear or something, this house is just sad, the vibes are sad. like theres a grey filter over everything but the grey filter is like a vibe filter so you dont see it but you can feel it. I dont know i just want to move out. Trying to manifest it for reals. i love my family but i think i just really want to move out actually. A lot.

anyways enough being sad im going to watch kpop music videos now. Oh, i want to make a website for jeonghan after i finish the vampire page. Ive been struggling with it a lot actually like it is a hard page i dont know how to change the colors of the links nd its stressing me out because the default blue is like........really ugly actually on the red and i literally asked classmates if they knew how to code because i was desprate for help but no one did, so its on me to keep learning. Hopefully i can figure it out. I might try that now as i listen to my tunes, i should be doing homework but i cant concentrate so im just not and ill do it tomorrow. i might start signing theses off with like, "love you" or something, this is like a diary to me, so i gotta say i love you to me so i can feel loved, not that im not loved, i know that i am loved by my friens and family, but i need to be loved by me as well. and i do love me but some parts of me need a lil more love then others, like right now the sad part of me needs a hug, so i shall do just that.

love you, me *heart emoji*